Tuesday, January 6, 2009

I've been putting this one off for a while

I miss our little guy so much. I don't know really how to grieve through this at all. After they left, my mom and brother joined us for 2 weeks. We had a great visit, but I didn't have to really think about my feelings.This was followed by my stepsister's wedding in New Orleans. We talked about it some more because people were concerned about how we were doing.

For the first few days, Maggie cried a lot and talked about the kids a lot. Then, one morning we were talking about the little guy and Maggie asked me to stop. She said that it hurt too much to talk about him. So, I tried not to talk about him as much. I feel slightly guilty but we don't miss the little girl much. She was so much work and caused so much pain in our lives.

But, it's starting to get quiet. There is not as much going on and there's time to think. You can only push away the thoughts for so long. I miss him. I miss his little smile and how gentle he was. I miss watching Maggie make him smile when he was upset. I miss cuddling with him and most of all...I am worried about him. I hope that he is okay. I am worried about what is going to happen to him.

I am mad.I am mad at his social worker. She is taking out her anger on us and the former foster parents on the children. We are not bad people and while I understand that it's "EASIER" to not have contact with us, I would love some reassurance that he is okay.

I am confused. I am confused about what this means for our family. What do we do next? Of course, to complicate things, our foster license is up for renewal at the end of the month. Logically, it makes sense just to renew it and go through the hoops. It took a lot of work to get our license. But, in my heart, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

I don't think we can do this again. It was hard enough for Steven and me to deal with it. But, do we do this again to Maggie. We are supposed to protect her. I don't know how to deal with all of this stuff.

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