Sunday, March 14, 2010

God's sovereignty l

This is a hard blog to write. Steven has been speaking on God's sovereignty lately and how He has a much, much bigger plan than we can imagine. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. I wish I could go into the future, see what is going to happen and then come back to my normal, right now life. I think I could handle it better.

Patrick's bio mom is back. She wants visits. There's so much there that I can't even begin to explain. But, it means, once a week, I have to interact with her and hand over my baby to her. Technically, he is her son, but she had never seen him before this past Monday. He was taken immediately at birth and she never saw him after that.

So, this Monday was the dreaded day. The first time she ever saw him. She came in with lots of family members and it was so hard to let him go into the other room. I had to sit outside of a cubicle and listen to the madness inside. Luckily, we met his dad's parents the week before. They are such a blessing and we sat outside together awkwardly. What do you talk about while your babies are visiting with their other family?

Patrick had a wet diaper while he was visiting. They asked me for diapers and I went into the room to hand them to his mom. She wanted to change his diaper in the room and the social worker told her that she had to go to the bathroom to change him. However, she couldn't go to the bathroom alone with Patrick, she had to be supervised. She insisted on changing him in the room and the social worker insisted they use the changing station in the bathroom. I'm still standing at the doorway with the diapers. The social worker says,"just let the foster mom change his diaper."

His mom yells, "SHE's not changing him. I'm going to change him!". Whoa! Where did that come from? That's fine with me. I change his diaper 6-7 times a day. I don't care if you want to change him.

I walked out of the room. The social worker took her and both boys to the bathroom so she could supervise the interaction.

I was shaking. I walked back sat down and uttered a cuss word under my breath. I was so mad!

The visit was over. He smelled like their perfume. I took him home and he was exhausted and fell asleep so after. It was miserable. I was upset and how do I deal with all of these emotions? We knew the risk when we signed up for this. His mom could get it back together and take him. How will I be able to handle him living somewhere else? What if it's not a safe place?

So, on Thursday, I was by myself for a minute and I know that God was getting on to me. He is disappointed in my behavior. It doesn't matter what they do. Or how they act. My job is to be a witness for Him. I may not lead them to Christ, but I may be the only interaction that they have with a Christian. If I am acting like that, how can they see Him in me? Or what about to Patrick's dad's parents? What did they see? They saw me acting stupid and getting angry about a silly interaction.

Please pray for my family. This is extremely difficult. I forget that Patrick is a foster baby. He's our son and I can't even think about him leaving us. But, I have to interact with his other family for a while. I have to be a witness for Christ. The other stuff is not important. Christ is my first priority and I have to be constantly reminded of that.


Valerie said...

Beth, you are doing a wonderful thing that I can't even fathom being able to handle! You, Steven, Maggie, and Patrick are forever in my prayers and I know God has an amazing journey for your family. You are a wonderful Christian and you and Steven are both a big part of why I am a Christian today. You deserve nothing but the best and I know good things will come in God's plan for you :)

Walking to China said...

Beth-God is disappointed with you at all! You are doing a wonderful thing and He is pleased with you!
Imperfect behavior and thoughts...maybe. But is God disappointed? No.

Walking to China said...

Sorry! God isn't disappointed with you at all!