Saturday, January 7, 2012

Being married to a pastor

There is no way to get all of my thoughts on this into one blog. So, I'll just start here and maybe be brave enough to hit the publish post button. Why is my heart beating so fast? Oh yeah, cause I hate controversy.

I can think of no other job where a husband's job determines so much about a wife.

I'm married to a man who is a pastor. I love him. I love that he is doing what he loves. I love that he is a  pastor. But, I would love him if he wasn't pastoring.

I don't like that his job defines me.

This has nothing to do with the people at our church right now. They are wonderful and like me for me.

I remember when Steven was interviewing for this job. He asked me what other questions he should ask them. I immediately said, "what expectations do they have for the pastor's wife?"

So, during the interviewing process, Steven asked this question to the group and I remember Daniel answering. He said, "we want her to be an active member of our church. We don't have any other expectations of her."

And I breathed a  sigh of relief.

Fortunately, this has been true. I mean, there have been some funny moments where people ask me about playing the piano, but that's for another blog.

I guess I find it frustrating when I meet people for the first time and they find out that I'm a "pastor's wife" and they apologize for cussing earlier. I don't tell people what Steven does for a living. I don't volunteer that information. I hate it when they start acting different around me. Or making a big deal about his job.

I don't make a big deal out of what their husband does for a living. I know that it's really just their insecurities coming out, but it's always awkward. And it makes me feel uncomfortable.

So, that's all I have for right now. I mean, there's more to this subject. I just want to be given more than just the "pastor's wife" title. There's more to me than that.


Jane said...

I'm a pastor's wife too.....have been for 38 years. I understand your feelings so well. My husband always told 'church people' that they hired him not me! Having a husband that doesn't allow the church to place expectations on you is key. Mine always told me to do what I felt called to do in the church just like any lay person should do.
God bless you and your family!!

beth said...

Jane, thanks for your wise comments. I'm sure you could teach me a lot about this unique place in life. I agree with you that it is up to our husbands to protect us from this is vital to our staying sane. Fortunately, I have a husband who does this for me. Thanks again.

A Pastor's wife said...

I remember my not so slight breakdown when Brandon told me he wanted to go into ministry, my argument of defense being that "I am not pastor wife material!" Thank you for posting this. It is good to be reminded that it is okay to be myself!

Life on the Edge said...

Just found your blog today, and I LOVE it! So many pastor's wife's blogs are preachy, and this is just about your life and your very honest feelings. I can sure relate to this post! I married a pastor 7 1/2 months ago and am still trying to figure out my place in this all, but so far I've been very well received and people have been wonderful.

I especially loved the post about the "clock" and how your son pronounced it. It brings back memories of when my oldest son couldn't say his "s"'s and it came out "sh", like saying "Mickey Moushe." This did not go over well when I had to tell him to "sit, sit!" in church one day. He parroted me and it came out "s*it, s*hit!" lol

Life on the Edge

beth said...

Hi Kady,

That is hilarious! Our kids keep us laughing. I look forward to getting to know you better! Thanks for your sweet comments!