Sunday, December 13, 2009

trying to sort it out

We have had Patrick for 3 months now. He looks like Maggie. He adores Steven. He is seriously one of the easiest going babies ever born. Most of the time forget that I didn't give birth to him.

Today, during worship, God hit me pretty hard. I don't pray for his mom to get well. There's a part of me that doesn't want her to get well. I love him. It's easier for me if she doesn't recover.

I say that it's because I want him to be in a safe place. But, I really just want him to be in our family forever. He's perfect and wonderful.

I don''t have a nice ending for this blog. Just being vulnerable.

4 comments:

Sarah@EmergingMummy said...

I appreciate your vulnerability, Beth. It's not simple or straight forward. I think what you're feeling must be very normal for anyone with a heart. You love him and that can be complex when there are two mothers. Praying for you and for P and his Mum.

Holly said...

Hey Beth, this is Holly from xanga! I went back and read through your posts to find out more...oh I want to know the story! Find me on Facebook so we can talk, K?

Oh, did I ever tell ya I got a website up? Thought about putting a blog page on it and moving my stuff...but not brave enough...yet.

www.hollybaxley.com

I'm so glad to connect with you again!

I hear the pain in your "voice" as you write, dear one. Though I don't the story yet...but am learning as I listen to your teaching with your honey, I can tell you I have a friend who is a foster mom to First Nation babies in Canada. Every experience is a blessing and such heartache. I read her words and laugh. And cry.

Random comment here: You have a pretty voice. Easy on the ears to listen to. :D You should do more teachings.

Brynn said...

Sometimes I feel that way about Philip's parents. If they actually started making a real effort to reconcile, it would be a long, hard road to walk down to clean up all the mess that has been building up. I find that I pray for reconciliation less and less. So, I don't know exactly how you feel, but I kinda know how you feel. :)

Bug said...

Even if she gets well, she still may not be well enough to mother her children. Pray for her and we will all pray for you!
Mom